Old Eggs - New Tricks

So as much as I hate to admit it - my body is changing. As are my hormones. I am regular like clockwork baby, so when I started to feel like a boa constrictor was attacking my waist today and feeling kinda shitty all around, I knew that dreaded time of the month was upon me.

OVULATION.

I looked at the calendar, counted out 2 weeks from the 1st day of my last period and yep, jackpot - 48 hour hell had arrived.

Since having youngest Z my ovulation has gotten fairly horrific for me. I'm not sure if it has to do with the fact that I'm *gasp* pushing 40 soon, my eggs are now pissed off and brandishing butterfly knives and nunchucks, or my body just wants to make me as uncomfortable as possible so I don't have any crazy ideas to make any more love babies...

This wretched time has a real medical term, and that term my friends is:

MITTELSCHMERZ.

Of course it's fucking German (go figure), and basically translates to "middle pain" which in all actuality feels more like a German torture device that is attached from just below my rib cage to about the middle of my ass for roughly 2 days. It does nothing pleasant for my mood either, but that's another story...

There is no "cure" for MITTELSCHMERZ and Midol and a heating pad only go so far. Having a vagina comes with a stiff price and unpleasant penalties at times such as this and makes me ponder the thought of if given the choice, would I trade in multiple orgasms for a penis. I have to honestly say it would probably depend on how nice the penis was and what it was attached to, but I digress...

So oldest Z happened to wander in while I was entrenched in MITTELSCHMERZ research and asked me what i was doing. When I told him "researching MITTELSCHMERZ" he of course laughed out loud - because hey, what 10 year old boy wouldn't?! Then he asked what OVULATION was, which thanks to Google, was easy enough to rattle off in a serious, medical terminology sorta way while pointing at a diagram of the female reproductive system with my pen.

"Whoa mom. You have eggs??!!" he asked. "Girls are kinda like weird alien birds huh?!" That's one way to think of us I thought. He asked a couple of more questions, made a couple more witty remarks, then wandered away to play Legos and torment his little sister.

All of these interactions I realize are training him to one day be a very sensitive and informed man. Come to think of it, he's probably already more sensitive and informed than half of the grown men I know! How can he not be though, growing up with a single mom and 2 sisters. This amazing boy of mine doesn't even bat an eye anymore when I screech across the house to "grab me a tampon"!!

So back to the present.

Are the Midols working? No. I also realize that I do in fact feel like a large alien chicken who could squat and "give birth" to a giant mutant egg at any moment. This egg would no doubt "hatch" on the next full moon and out of it would drive a clown car full of cigar smoking gremlins.

It is my left ovary this month - I can feel it.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so "close" to my body if you know what i mean.

MITTELSCHMERZ I curse you!


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