1. He is left-handed. I haven’t delved into the research on this, but there’s something to it I’m sure. Maybe childhood trauma due to teasing from writing differently was the catalyst, I don’t know... It’s also mildly annoying to sit next to a left-handed person while you’re trying to eat because you keep banging elbows with them. All I know, is that none of my future ex-lovers are going to be left-handed, and I’m just fine trusting my gut on this point until I find the scientific data to back up my theory.
2. They are below-average height. Napoleon Complex, Short Man Syndrome, call it what you will – but short men are typically notorious pricks. They may be overly charming, call you endearing pet names such as “mi amore” after only knowing you for 5 minutes, and even have a very nice and above average penis – but, inside that little man is an asshole button that once pushed, can’t easily be turned off (think smoke detector here,) and the pet names can quickly spin from “buttercup” to “man-hating closet lesbian” in the blink of an eye. If you can look him in the eye in your Converse, you feel like a 6’ tall super model with him while you’re wearing a 2 inch pump, and he shares the other qualities within this list – run for your life. His only goal is to make you feel smaller than him.
3. He doesn’t remember anything you tell him. Anything. Though he appears to be an engaged listener; there couldn’t be anything further from the truth. He makes up nicknames for your kids because he doesn’t know their names, if someone asks him what you do for a living he can’t answer because he really doesn’t know, he thinks you’re from “back east somewhere” when you’re really from Minnesota – you name it – he doesn’t know it. Also, because he never really truly listens to anything YOU say, he often assumes you’re not listening to him either, regularly underestimating your intelligence and memory skills, which is a perfect segway into #4...
4. He is a compulsive liar. We’re not talking about innocent little white lies here either girls – I’m talking DOOZIES. Examples include:
“I don’t have a girlfriend/wife/harem.”
“Those condoms are from before.” (Even though you’re 6 months pregnant and they sure as HELL weren’t there last week!)
“I got this gift especially for you!” (Insert shout-out to my amazing soul sista’ Hope, who unbeknownst to both of us at the time, was my gift partner when we received numerous identical gifts from the same troll over a period of time we shall refer to as “Year of the Cake Pig” from this point forward. Ultra cheesy, no?!)
“I’m not seeing her anymore, but she’s having a really difficult time dealing with it so we still talk 17 times a day.”
And my most recent favorite: “I need to break it off with her so I can be with YOU.” (Even though “breaking it off” meant she would be staying with him at his house when she came to town and I’m sure he most certainly wouldn’t fuck her first before having the little break up convo right??!!) Egads already!
5. He wants to basically just be a big giant CAKE PIG. He really expects you to not have had any more lovers than you have babies – and even that number is too high. He will ask you how many lovers you’ve had, to which you should always smile sweetly when you respond by saying “Today? Just you.” He will subtly try to see where you stand on threesomes and foursomes, then when you crinkle up your nose and make a disgusted face, he will feign innocence while adding he’s never had one, even though he often smells of various scents of women’s perfume, body spray, deodorant and coconut massage oil on any given day, and you know full well that he’s been with hookers and visited happy ending massage parlors on a somewhat regular basis for most of his adult life.
So don’t say no one ever warned you...
*Disclaimer – Everything I say (write) should be taken with a grain of salt. I am a story teller after all, and though much of what I write about is indeed true, I find it all incredibly funny. If you really know me, you’ll get this, but if you don’t, well...
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I've heard that lefties really aren't that bad. After all, Hendrix was a left-hander. Just sayin
ReplyDeleteI would disagree with this statement at this point, though I did indeed break my rule and give another leftie a chance. That rule is currently back in effect.
ReplyDelete