It Started With A Wink...: Pre-New Year's Insomnia Rant

So though I'm a night owl by nature, I seem to have insomnia more often as I get older. I'm wondering if this may have something to do with the fact that because time really DOES go much faster the older you get, that I simply need more awake hours to think as well as get shit done because I feel like I'm on some weird "warp speed."

I dunno.

What I DO know however, is that I was just thinking about a few people I know (mostly guys but some girls too,) who are staying with people they no longer want to be with until "after the holidays."

This makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever.

Let's just pretend that everything is bright & rosy, we're still madly romantically obsessed, we'll buy presents for the other person that they will probably secretly hate anyway because of all of the pent up resentment and frustration because we all know it takes two to tango, we'll meet each others families and play nicey nicey, spend even more money on New Year's getting a hotel room maybe and on booze so we can get drunk enough to even want to even fuck the other person (for memory's sake, and kiss at midnight while we're secretly fantasizing about making out with the person we were eying earlier on the other side of the room and who we swear we had sparks with when they brushed against us on their way out of the bathroom.

Really???!!! How the hell does this sound like a good idea to anyone?

"I'm so over (insert name here) but don't want any drama over the holidays."

Seriously - what the fuck?! The holidays ARE drama! There couldn't be a better time to be done with something and make a clean break! Just don't buy him/her a frickin' gift. There's a clue for ya.

"Ummm... I think I'm going to go spend Christmas with Grams at the rest home this year sweetie."

"But your grandmother has Alzheimer's. She doesn't even remember who you are anymore. She always calls you Herman and asks you to brush her dentures."

"Uhhhh, yeah I know, but she doesn't get any visitors and I just want to go. Have fun with your family and everything."

If any man broke up with me on January 2nd, I think I would want to do something evil to him. Seriously. I'd start with taking back my presents, but it couldn't stop there. The first thing that popped into my slap-happy brain was the joy I'd find in such a situation of spray painting "Christmas Killer" on their car. Maybe have some guys dress up like Santa and kick his ass. Call him (fake) sobbing uncontrollably on Christmas Eve & New Year's for the next 5 years. Something fun!

I just don't get it.

The New Year is your opportunity for a fresh start. It couldn't START on January 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th... IF you wait until then, you're going to potentially jinx your whole fucking year! That would be no bueno.

If you don't like someone anymore - just be honest for cripes sake and move on. Do us all a favor. Grow a pair, put your big boy/girl panties on, and simply say; "I need to move on. And by the way, I want to sleep with your best friend/mother/brother/dog."

As the dump-er, at least give the dump-ee the opportunity to go out and have revenge sex with someone better looking than you on New Year's Eve. You at least owe them that much. They may cry out YOUR name in the throes of passion, but probably only because they were just telling their new lover a joke about how small your penis is. Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Bad broken internal editor...

Really what it boils down to is this - everyone just needs to get over themselves.

We'll all be missed.

But probably only for a little while. It's the God's honest truth.

And on that note, I'm glad I'm single when I hear these stupid "holiday dilemmas." I'm glad it's just me, my kid/pet zoo, and my kind and loving (battery operated boyfriend) BOB. BOB won't dump me before the holidays. He'll be right where I left him when I get home and always has something nice to say (and do).

And don't get me wrong - I really do love men. But unfortunately usually the wrong ones! Hahaha. Stupid broken man picker!

And until there's someone who I actually like more than BOB, I really enjoy being a single girl. Even at the holidays. Maybe even more so because I know some wanker isn't just shaking the hour glass until it's time to break up with me.

So Happy almost New Year's everyone! Out with the old and in with the new.

I am now going to try to force myself to sleep.